Today I have had a lot of thoughts running around in my head. I am not sure if its because its the first day of the new year or because I am turning 40 in just 11 days.
So the biggest thought that I cant seem to shake today is.....do I want to quit my job?
Kids are still on winter break and I am enjoying having them home. I homeschooled my two older boys and was always home with them and enjoyed that very much. I dont recall having any thoughts of wanting to go back to work and didnt really give much thought to what type of work I would do when they were grown and gone. I did pick up odd jobs now and then to supplement some income, but my heart was always at home.I would do childcare and things that wouldnt take me too far away from the kids. Then I went through a divorce and decided that I didnt want to ever be dependent on a guy again. I wanted to see that I could support the kids and I by myself and I did for awhile. Then I met and married a wonderful man.....but again I still had it in my head that I wasnt ever going to be dependent again. My two youngest boys have asked to homeschool and I have told them that wasnt an option since I needed to work. I work in a very flexible part time job as a merchandiser and some days I enjoy the work. But weeks like this when the kids are home and I know I should be going to work, it makes it hard to want to stay at the job. I am trying to decide if I really want to work and keep to my decision to never be dependent on a guy again or if I am missing being home and taking care of everything at home. After 4 years of being with a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, I no longer feel the need to have the same attitude that I had before about needing to work so that I am not dependent on him. But I feel selfish for wanting to be home now.....before when the kids were little it was a no brainer that it was better for me to be home then to work and pay someone to take care of them, but now with them all in school, how would it look if I wasnt working? I know my decision shouldnt be based on what others think, but I often do let my thoughts go there.
I feel like staying at home full time would open up my time to do more volunteering, to take more time to take care of myself and working out, and being open to the kids wanting to homeschool again. I work a very flexible job but at the same time, I feel the pressure of having to get certain things done to get my percentages at my work at a good place, for example this week my service percentage numbers are going down because I am not staying on the schedule of when the stores need to be worked. I feel also if I quit my job then that is less money that is coming into the house and we already struggle so if I quit then thats even more that I feel we would struggle.
So now I am facing the question...should I quit my job and go back to being a stay at home mom or should I continue to work and keep going the way I have been going? That is the million dollar question for today. Now if the decision would just come easily, then I could move on to other random thoughts.
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